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July 8, 2005Listen…LISTEN… It is the first word of the Rule of St. Benedict. Listen carefully, my son, to the master’s instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart. It is such an important word - such good advice - advice I have often been to slow to take, too noisy to comprehend. Chattering on and on to God about what I thought about things, it took a long time to learn to listen. I am learning, still. Over the past few months, I have been listening to many doctors as they have been giving me one dollop of bad news at a time. But I think only yesterday did I hear. What I heard was the sound of a limit being met. The sound of a camel’s back breaking in two. There have been some horror stories in my life, but I have never blamed God for them. I have not always been a good Christian, or even a good person - I have done terrible, dark things in my day, things for which I have humbly begged forgiveness. I have never believed that I was owed some slack for my behavior simply because of the nearly Dickensian situations of my earliest years. I certainly know what I have done and, as the psalmist says, “[my sin] is ever before me.” I also know that often our sin has a wider effect than we realize - broadening and stretching out to touch other lives, lives of which we may not even be aware - just as a pebble thrown into a pond can sometimes stir the water to its very edge. We live, none of us, to ourselves. I know that what goes around comes around. I also know what the prophet Isaiah has said - that God has “rescued me from the pit of destruction, when you cast my sins behind your back.” And because I know these things, and because I am inordinately aware of how many blessings I have received, I have never spent time railing at God like a fishwife, demanding to know why, so often, the short straw has seemed to fall my way. We all draw them, from time to time, of course, the short straws. But yesterday morning, it seemed like I had drawn one straw too many. I had been alright with the “severe anemia” straw. Not the worst thing in the world, after all. The recent “skin cancer” straw was a little scary, but I appreciated how much worse it could have been, and I am certainly very aware, now and attentive. Yesterday morning, though, came a straw I have dreaded my whole life, and I finally drew it: the “you are losing your hearing” straw. I knew I’d been missing some conversation in noisy restaurants… The loss was discovered, of course, due to that dismal ear infection of the past two weeks, but the hearing in that afflicted ear is only slightly worse than the other. Upon reading my test results the doctor asked if I had worked around airplanes for the past 20 years, or if I had fronted a rock band. “severe degeneration…hearing aids…” My grandparents were deaf. My birth-father was cupping his ears in his fifties. But, of course, the degeneration may not be congenital, at all. “The autoimmune problems you have from the Lyme Disease could be the reason for it…” Short was the straw. Crrrraaaack! Went the camel’s back. Lyme Disease. I had it for a long while before it was diagnosed, long enough for it to affect me neurologically and otherwise. It has changed my life in every possible way. Now, perhaps, it is stealing my hearing. I drove home pounding the steering wheel and telling God I thought He was pretty damned unfair, after all. I demanded that He listen to me and make me a sensible answer about why things were going as they were, why at only 46 years of age I was increasingly debilitated, increasingly arthritic, increasingly feeling like a 65 year old. “It’s not enough that I must sometimes use a cane, or that I wear glasses, not enough that I am constantly bruised, often fatigued into stupidity and inarticulate, stammering aphasia, not enough that my body is scarred all over and that my skin is under seige simply because I am Irish…now I am going to need hearing aids? Now I am going to be deaf? What has my husband ever done to you, that you need to inflict this sort of wife upon him?” Oh, I howled. I ranted. And it was so out of character for me to do so - this has not been my way, to shake an angry fist at God and make demands. I didn’t like doing it - it felt so wrong. So wrong, not to simply be thankful for my blessings…for all the good things, and all the “not too bad” things. But I was so angry. And then, I remembered that my sons are both musicians. And I wept. It’s cruel, too cruel. I’ve appreciated irony all my life. But my sons are both musicians. And I am going deaf. Maybe I will never hear my elder son’s compositions. Maybe Buster’s jazzy riffs will only come through as an occasional toot and wail. Maybe I will only hear my grandchildren laugh in my imagination. Assuming I live long enough to see grandchildren. Yes…I became that downtrodden, that blue; I started wondering about mortality. We can do such numbers on ourselves, sometimes. We can willfully shatter our own spirits, plunge ourselves into a bleak, lugubrious brood of misery, and we can do it so quickly…particularly if we are unwilling to listen. Driving Buster to work last night, I told him what was going on and gave him a taste of my “it’s not fair,” rant. He was, as ever, thoughtful and sympathetic. And fast with a response, too, one I needed to hear. “Ma, listen,” Buster said, “don’t you remember about Job? Remember how heavy his afflictions were, and how he was tested…” “Screw Job, I’m not Job,” was my heated response. “I’m not some great model for mankind, here, and there is no greater purpose being served…” But Buster’s arrow had hit the mark, and by the time I pulled into the parking lot my head was bowed in shame, because I knew better. “I know that everything works to God’s purposes, I know it.” I admited to my son. “But this sucks. Why is all of this happening to me? Why is all this crap being piled on? Not that I want it all to happen to someone else, God forbid! But why does it have to be me? I feel like my body is falling to pieces and I’m…I’m just so angry!” “Ma…what have you told me, all my life? God always uses the imperfect - the weak and humble and broken things to strengthen and build up and heal the world.” “I’ve never said that!” I sobbed. “You say it all the time!” Buster laughed. “You point it out all the time! About King David, St. Peter, St. Bernadette, John Paul II, Terri Schiavo, President Bush, heck, even the Agnus Dei, the Lamb of God was first made weak, humbled and broken…” “Well, I’m not any of them!” “No, you’re not,” he agreed, smiling as he got out of the car and walked around. Leaning in to give me a kiss, he said, “you’re not any of them, and you don’t have their greatness, you’re just an insignificant woman in a small suburban town…but in your little world, your broken little self can be used for something good, if you let Him use it. Maybe you should stop complaining and listen. Maybe all that silence in your future is so that you can hear something else.” The little bastard! Stopped me right in my tracks, like a wise and elderly monk who has no time for circuitous council and goes right to the heart of the matter. When did he get so smart? Like Job, I understand that what is occuring is not punishment for sin. But I have been much blessed. And I have sinned much. Grace abounds, of course. But maybe there is some cosmic balance here that I will only understand in a different, altered state. Or maybe what I look at as affliction is another sort of blessing - if all of this is useful, in some strange way, to God, then what greater blessing can there be than to be allowed to be of use to Him, even in ways we do not understand? In one of those weird co-incidences that seem so providential, sometimes, a reader with whom I have never corresponded before wrote to me out of the blue, about the same themes that were going ’round in my head. The last thing he wrote was this:
He and Buster were on the same wavelength, it seems. In Rumer Godden’s novel, In This House of Brede, a nun notices a notepad upon which her abbess, severely tried by the actions of others and wishing she could be uncharitable, has scrawled, “there can be no limits.” In another part of the book, a nun who has entered after a life of heavy secular responsibilities scorns an admonishment to be more willing, more open, to what is required of her. “I have done my stint,” she says.
Perhaps that is the message that Buster was delivering yesterday. I had declared the camel’s back broken, the strawbaskets full. I had had my share of bad news, had “done my stint.” But there can be no limits. St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila have both written of the “Dark Night of the Soul.” Mother Theresa of Calcutta and St. Therese of Lisieux wrote a little on it, as well. It seems to be a particularly scathing sort of dryness and loss that occurs at the unbreechable chasm between human and divine love. The suffering is very great. The blessing seems to be in that one only gets to that point - to that dark night - when one has advanced so far in love and in faith as to have perhaps exceeded human understanding…when perhaps all there is left is the ability not to praise or to do, but to simply be, and to be willing - humbly willing - to simply listen and be led, even to where - like Peter - you would rather not go. It is the Pauline paradox. When I am weak, then I am strong. When I have nothing left to offer, then I will finally simply allow You to take what You need. When I have finally gotten out of my own way, I will have gotten out of Yours, as well, so that you might strew me where you will, broken and scattered and meant for something beyond my imagining. This, I suppose, is another mystery of suffering. When I was a child I once heard a woman talk about her son’s severe and unusual illness and how a nun, upon learning the details, said to her, “my dear, how God must love you to allow you to suffer so…” At the time I thought the nun rather perverse. This idea of God demonstrating his love by allowing the loved one to suffer seemed dubious and theologically unsound. But as I get older, and look around a bit, I wonder if the old nun was not on to something. Often great blessings and great sufferings abide within the same single life, and it was ever thus. My sufferings are not great. “Placed in the balance, they rise…” Placed in perspective, everything can be dealt with. Whenever I have encountered a task that seemed terribly difficult, I have usually discovered that the hardest part of the job was in simply doing the work, applying myself to it with my whole heart and attention…which is another form of being, when you come right down to it. The biggest limitations have been the ones I have placed before myself. I am losing my hearing. We will know more next month. Perhaps the degeneration will be slow. Perhaps not. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord. And, as Will Shakespeare once wrote…the rest is silence. There can be no limits. There is only one measure, and it spans a lifetime and it touches the Divine. I know that I am not done listening. Not by a long shot. WELCOME: Ann Althouse readers. Please look around while you’re here. Today we are also discussing what Churchill called the dark, lamentable catalogue and we’re celebrating the Feast of St. Benedict with a look at some houses and products, and a tribute to the Father of Western Monasticism and Patron of Europe. And speaking of Europe, we’re also enjoying Becca’s gorgeous pictures of Ireland and…um…we’re also playing with paper dolls, but it’s just too fun not to! Thanks, Ms. Althouse, for the link. http://theanchoressonline.com/2005/07/08/listen/trackback/ 105 Responses to “Listen…” |
July 8th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
Hi. Your story sounds a lot like mine, writ large. A teenage athlete suddenly develops cripping arthritis. Allergies explode into asthma, silencing a singer’s voice. The acute phases of both conditions, thank God, were only temporary, but their long-term effects are still with me, and will be to the end of my life. I’ve gone through lots of phases of feeling sorry for myself. Two things pull me through: One is the knowledge that God will never give me a cross heavier than I can bear. The other is one of the Fatima prayers. Perhaps you know it: “Oh my Jesus, it is for love of Thee, in reparation for sins against the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and for the conversion of all poor sinners.” Maybe my sufferings will keep someone out of Hell, I tell myself. Or, Hey, maybe I got somebody out of Purgatory today. They seem like woefully thin crutches when things really seem bad, but they really do work.
God bless you and give you strength.
July 8th, 2005 at 2:25 pm
When I was a little girl, I would wonder why God let so many horrible things happen to my mother. She lost most of her hearing as a girl due to acid being poured into her ear canal, she lost both her parents before she was 7, adopted by abusive people, she’s had debilitating health problems that only continue to worsen as she passes 70. Last night, there was more bad news, more of what seemed insurmountable bad things to deal with. Last night was one of those ones where you feel the weight of the world crushing you into the ground. But like you, we’ve been trying to listen. And today, the weight is still there, but I feel it’s being lifted away from above, if I’ll just let it go. Your post reminds me I need to try harder to do that.
God bless.
July 8th, 2005 at 2:28 pm
Oh Anchoress, there are days, like today, when your faith truly amazes and humbles me. Believe it or not, you have dealt with adversity a lot better than I ever have. Just know that there is healing. Sometimes it comes as a physical reconstruction. More often it is a spiritual solace and emotional balm. Know also that you will be in my prayers, that you may know all types of healing.
July 8th, 2005 at 2:53 pm
You can still listen without being able to hear.
All of your faithful blogger friends will be with you as you face your journey. We love you and will lift you up in prayer.
My beautiful 17 year old daughter, who has an autoimmune disease (lupus) with many complications, teaches me everyday by her example how to trust that there is a master plan in all of this. Isn’t it amazing how our children can be much more in tune with that than what we are???
Please keep up posted.
July 8th, 2005 at 2:54 pm
Go to St. Katherine Drexel for intercession. The miracles for her canonization were for deafness.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:13 pm
You are stronger than you think… I got that from a Pooh movie. God does love you soooo profoundly, A. I pray that your ears hear normally again. When Jesus asks of us…”All you who have ears, hear”. I think He means our hearts. I think one of the heaviest straws you’ve ever had to bear upon the hump of your back is the loss of S. I think you railed against the final straw, but mostly that particular, heaviest of all straws. It was cleansing, A. I hope you find peace. We all love you out here in Blogsworld.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:27 pm
Anchoress,
I lurk and read and contemplate and learn from your postings, and will pray that you are able to grow closer to God as a result of your suffering, or perhaps, your healing. In any event, know that you serve as an example of faith to those of us struggling to find our own spiritual paths. God bless you.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:32 pm
I lost part of my hearing in a childhood illness. I really don’t let it affect me since I hear the things I really HAVE to. But whenever I think of how much better my hearing could be I think of Beethoven composing the “Ode to Joy” while he was completely deaf and could not even hear his own masterpiece played or performed except in the notes of his own mind. And I think if Beethoven can do it. So can I.
I also think of St. Lutgardis, one of the most lovable saints of the middle ages (to me at least) and not too well-known. She wasn’t a perfect person either but she tried..and she was blind the last 11 years of her life, and treated her blindness as a gift from God. I think of people like her and Beethoven and then I don’t feel so bad.
My prayers for you in any case, Anchoress.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:43 pm
You’ve managed to impart a lot of wisdom to Mr. Buster. You are truly blessed. I pray that you can see your life so far as an adventure, even with its suffering and difficulties, and that the future in God’s hands will also look like an adventure, not a vision of hopelessness.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:44 pm
dear anchoress,
thank you for this beautifully written post, and for all its reminders.
may god bless and guide you as you learn how to accept this trial … you will be in my thoughts, and in my prayers.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:44 pm
How God has blessed you with Buster who had been listening to you so that he could distill what you needed to hear and give it back to you when you needed it. You are reaping what you have sowed through him … that gift of God alone brought me to tears as I was reading this. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. And while you are listening, I will be praying for you … for a miracle if God will give it and for good being brought from the suffering if he does not … and for grace either way. May God bless you.
July 8th, 2005 at 3:59 pm
There’s no reason to be ashamed or sorry for feeling the way you did. I’ve done it for far less, sometimes daily…..frankly, I don’t think I’d be any less angry if it were me.
The hardest thing to do is listen, of that I’m in complete agreement. And it really shouldn’t be. Faith means knowing that His Will for us is better than anything we can devise ourselves, yet we still get in our own way. I get to feeling sorry for myself because I get in my own way (I guess that makes me ‘meta-bummed’).
You are in the prayers of many, A, this guy included. And that Buster……he sounds like a real keeper! W
July 8th, 2005 at 4:07 pm
Anchoress, I’m so sorry your hearing is going. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Chin up - medical science, including that for hearing loss, has never in the history of the world been more advanced than it is today.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I admire your willingness to express your anger honestly instead of repressing it.
Your post here is one of very few pieces of writing that’s made me laugh and cry at the same time. When I read Buster’s words, then your “The little bastard!”, I laughed out loud with tears in my eyes. It has to be one of the sweetest things for a mother - proof that her son really has heard all the good things she’s said to him.
God bless you in this difficult time.
July 8th, 2005 at 4:12 pm
Heh, when crap happens to me and I get mad at God I don’t say “why does this happen to me!” I usually say something stupid like “Go ahead God do your worst, I can take it all!!!” I sometimes wonder why I can’t just keep my big mouth shut.
July 8th, 2005 at 4:17 pm
Anchoress, your post will certainly touch many who, like you, like me, feel we get the short straw, especially healthwise. I had my very very dark night of the soul over physical ailments over a decade ago, and that night lasted almost two years (although the afflictions continue). I screamed at God, ranted, howled, and was so angry with Him that I wanted to shoot arrows at heaven. Eventually, I got into the “please just kill me” stage. He didn’t. Then I got into the talking stage, just talking with Him. And eventually, He gave me some illumination and comfort and the anger went away. Sometimes, it still rears up, when a new ailment strikes, or an old one exacerbates, and the frustration is so beyond me that I wish again for death. And He sometimes comforts me and He sometimes makes me simply pick myself up myself. Either way, I never feel totally alone. What suffering has done has been made me more prayerful and more aware of other suffering. I’m more involved with praying and supporting the “suffering church”. I can comfort others who suffer cause I know what it is. I know what it’s like to be dependent–unable to care for myself at times–and that’s a humbling thing. The healthy don’t know what it’s like not to be able to trust your body. I am also 46, and I often feel 70. One thing, the fear of death pretty much evaporates. I look forward to going “home”, like Paul did, another who had a “thorn in the flesh”. The fear of worse incapacity is always present, so we lean on God more.That’s not a bad thing.
You have good sons, terrific sons, and a husband who stands with you. Those are blessings many don’t have. Rejoice in that. And you are ministering to others through this website.
You will have your reward.
I will pray for a miracle for you. I still believe that God heals miraculously, even if it’s not me today. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps for you also tomorrow. God is near to the suffering. This much I have learned to be true, if not easy.
Love you, sis
Mir
July 8th, 2005 at 4:49 pm
Oh Anchoress–it’s said that if you want to see how you show up in the world–look at your children. Way to go Buster! Although I hate it when my children pull my covers–there’s always insight with a touch of humor and love that brings me back to earth.
And that’s the first thing I’d like to share–earth hath no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. And all sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them. I think I read that in the Human Condition.
My favorite? Corrie Ten Boom: When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. More will be revealed.
I will keep you in my prayers–I will pray for your understanding, I will pray for your surrender, I will pray for hope and healing and miracles, and I will pray for the strength to walk through this. And I will pray, Anchoress, knowing that there is one voice you will always be able to hear: His. And you don’t need your ears–your just have to listen with your heart.
Our Lord is blessing and keeping you. Regardless of what happens, it will be alright. Did you hear me? (No pun intended) REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS IT WILL BE ALRIGHT.
Fondly and gratefully, Pam
July 8th, 2005 at 4:56 pm
We are as different in our views of the world as the dark night is different from the dawn, but yours is a sensitive and beautiful soul.
My thoughts are with you, dear Anchoress
July 8th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
Anchoress, Let me begin by telling you how sorry I am that you have these afflictions. My husband and I can sympathize. He is 55, has had two major heart attacks and has regular appointments with a heart transplant coordinator. I am 53, have severe asthma and mild emphysema. My husband, ever totally honest, worked for a large, national company. He had made a decision in the past to go against company policy on a single issue. When accolades came his way, he realized his failure to comply may have had an positive effect on his unit’s numbers. He brought this to the attention of the head of his division because he didn’t want kudos and perks that should have rightfully gone to someone else. He was told that he was being made an example, thus his resignation was requested. He is being told by head-hunters that he has very little chance of being placed since his business is typically for the young. Here we are with no job, no insurance and both in poor health. I had bought the Benedictine Daily Prayer book before the loss of job occurred. It is a treasure and comfort because in getting to know how to use it daily, I’m reading many comforting passages. This, combined with the Rosary, is providing much strength and is allowing me to trust. I will keep you in my prayers as well. You have inspired me in many ways. I think we must just pick up the cross and carry it with as much grace and dignity as we can muster.
July 8th, 2005 at 6:27 pm
I can only say my heart aches for you. My son is also an aspiring musician. Lately I am in a panic about how he will soon leave home for college and all that music will be gone from my house. To be unable to hear your child’s music is indeed a big sacrifice. I’m off to church tonight to hear him play, I’ll say a prayer for you.
July 8th, 2005 at 6:36 pm
pray
Please pray for our beloved Anchoress who has been given some wrenching, sobering news.
Pray.
Let’s be the Body of Christ for her.
…
July 8th, 2005 at 6:51 pm
Prayers and Blessings to you?
July 8th, 2005 at 7:20 pm
Prayers are all I have to offer, but they are so much. I know you will pray, too, and you will fight it with every thing medicine has to offer. You’ve touched so many hearts here, and in your real life. How wonderful is that! Know you have a whole chorus backing you up!
July 8th, 2005 at 7:29 pm
Your son is right. You do not have to listen, to hear.
So much is said that is not worth hearing- as Talleyrand said, as best as I recall, “Speech is a faculty, given to man by God, to conceal his thoughts,”
Fear not, your worth, the WHO you are- to your family, friends and blog readers, have nothing to do with your faculties.
You will continue to serve and inspire by example, idea and faith.
As for the music- you’ll hear it. You’ll see.
July 8th, 2005 at 7:43 pm
May God bless and keep you.
July 8th, 2005 at 8:03 pm
Good Heavenly Father,
Please be with Anchoress in this time. You are the Great Healer and the All Mighty Satisfier (El Shaddai). You are our shield and refuge in time of trouble. Please shield her, and let your Grace envelop her. And help her family, too.
In Jesus’ Name, which is Above All Names, to whom before every knee shall bow.
Amen.
July 8th, 2005 at 8:06 pm
[...] « Health Update No. 2 Please Pray for The Anchoress Well, let her explain this to you. I can’t do it myself. This entry w [...]
July 8th, 2005 at 8:24 pm
God certainly has blessed you though Buster. You definitely raised him right.
I have read Job many times since I developed a lower circulatory insufficiency that keeps me on Lasix and with a indwelling catheter to keep the interstitial fluid under control, and cerebellum atrophy give me serious balance problems which cause me to need a quad cane to get aroound. I am homebound, and must depend on others to shop for me and take me to the doctor’s office.
Yet there are many that have more afflictions than you and I together have.
At least both of can reach out to others through our blogs, and I have friends coming over to help me with http://helpingtulsa.org
From time to time I find myself wishing He would let me come Home, so that I could work on the Celestial Website, but until he sends the rider on the Pale Horse I just hang in there, and I pray that you will do so as well.
July 8th, 2005 at 8:29 pm
Peace be with you. Peace.
PS How can someone on so many blogrolls as a go-to for things profound think she is insignificant?
PPS It didn’t stop Beethoven.
WG
July 8th, 2005 at 8:55 pm
Who knows what it was………but your husband did something awful good to deserve a “wife like you”……….ask him.
July 8th, 2005 at 9:10 pm
Silly Anchoress, Buster got to be the wise young man that he is because you and your husband have taught him to be that young man.
I am sorry to hear about your hearing loss, but there are many options to deal with it.
I will be in prayer for you.
God bless, Myssi
July 8th, 2005 at 10:06 pm
Oh Anchoress, it is quite something to have your son reflect your own sincere faith back at you. In silence, if it comes to you, you will hear God’s music.
I will pray that it doesn’t come to you, of course. I will pray that if it does it lifts. I will pray sincerely and passionately that you receive what you need and that God’s will be done.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:10 pm
Thank you, I’m sick too…. and sometimes I’m sicker then others. At 34, I feel so frail and broken like I couldn’t possible have a purpose, that I’m just junk that G*d wouldn’t want. Your words reminded me that I can’t know what G*d’s purpose is for me, and that as scary as it is to be this sick sometimes that if I’m here then there is a purpose.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:19 pm
Oh, dear Anchoress, I know exactly how your son got to be so smart.
Blessings and sincere prayers aimed your direction, from one acute sufferer to another. . . .
July 8th, 2005 at 10:27 pm
I am fifty-two and have been through some dark times. And there is always, always light on the other side of the darkness. God is ever faithful.
And we know that all things work together for good to them who love the Lord, who are the called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28
July 8th, 2005 at 10:28 pm
I’m sorry to about your news, but so impressed with your faith, resilience and insight.
I believe you touch so many with your words, more than you know. And I am thankful your hands have been spared so that you can write the way you do and teach all of us how to lead faithful lives.
Your ability to communicate your suffering in a way that is not full of pity, where your blessing are never far from your mind is an inspiration and a gift from God. I often feel God is speaking through you.
You wept, but you have returned seemingly stronger than before. It’s so easy to let even the smallest frustrations cloud one’s faith, yet you had only a moment’s hesitation after a series of setbacks. You are remarkable, and I hope that I can follow your example (although with my Irish ancestry I’ll probably be cursing, kicking and then morose).
I’ll pray for you.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:30 pm
Please know that we will all be praying for you.
If you are on the road to total loss, look at the cochlear implants. Deafness caused by inner ear damage can be worked around now. They’re a one-way trip, since once you get the implant, you’ve destroyed the nerve collection to your ear.
However, they’re giving people who’ve been death from birth hearing AND restoring lost hearing for people losing their hearing.
Hold onto hope.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:32 pm
Anchoress - the unwitting blessings of this, your writing ministry, come to me in silence, and our replies to you as well… in silence, on the screen. Your faith under trials has had a direct and very positive effect on me, my family and my brother as he goes through chemo. Whatever is going wrong with the rest of your earthly vessel, I pray that God spare your typing fingers to the end!
Hang in there… and listen to that fine son of yours. He is wise *way* beyond his years… destined for great things.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:44 pm
-As always, you have my prayers.
-I will also give you the words of my Buddhist teachers, modified, of course, for your situation and point of view:
-Every time you take communion you share, knowingly and directly, with the sacrifice of Christ for us all. You have God’s love and forgiveness, as well as Christ’s cleansing of your sins through his Passion.
-You have these things whether you live in a mansion, a suburban bungalow, a hovel, a homeless shelter, or a nursing home. You have these things in the peak of health or the depth of sickness.
-You have them even if you cannot get to the church that is always open to you, and you have them even if a priest is unable to come to you to give you the sacraments.
-You have them in the last extremity, which we all face, of pain and death. You have them in the deepest intensity, which we all encounter, of grief and loss.
-These things are an immovable wall of granite, there in all weathers and any light or darkness.
-No matter what happens, no mere circumstance can separate you from God’s love and forgiveness, or from Christ’s sacrifice for your sins. None.
-No matter what happens, you have the pearl without price.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:45 pm
Praying for you, Anchoress. This is indeed a heavy cross. Let’s hope the medical advances keep advancing and the prayers come through big time.
July 8th, 2005 at 10:46 pm
Dearest Anchoress,
I don’t know what I can say except that I know there is a good purpose for all that happens and that sometimes it’s very hard to realize that. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Because of you, I said the Rosary for the first time in my life yesterday. You are glorious! And, you are a much loved woman - by your husband, your sons, and all whom you touch so deeply.
July 8th, 2005 at 11:08 pm
It seems wisdom does not have to come with age as is evidenced by Buster’s comments to you. You and your husband have done a wonderful job as parents to have raised such great children.
We had a short conversation about dyslexia as it might relate to hearing loss a month or two ago. It struck me when you wrote that the doctor asked you if you had been around airplanes for 20 years since I spent 20 years in the Air Force and let me tell you, we had some loud airplanes in the Air Force.
I will say prayers for you. I may be in a similar situation to you and I have been told that digital hearing aids would help me so perhaps they might help you.
I’ve never heard your voice but I see your words. Please keep writing.
May God bless you and your family.
July 8th, 2005 at 11:29 pm
Hang in there, Anchoress. I’ll be praying for you.
July 8th, 2005 at 11:30 pm
My dear,
I will be praying for you as well. Keep trusting Jesus.
July 8th, 2005 at 11:35 pm
Anchoress,
Know you are in our prayers and our thoughts. I must say I was afraid when I read the post because I thought you were going to say you had leukemia after talking about the anemia and the skin cancer. I thought you were going to say you were going to lose your life and because of that I was afraid for those of us who are blessed by your devotion to, and sharing of your love for, our Lord Jesus.
I am not minimimzing how you feel. You know how much I admire you. But I’m selfish and I want you around with or without hearing. If Buster is like your other son (and I believe he is) you have been an excellent mother and example to them. A Christian mother and example. Your sins you speak of were washed away with His blood at Calvary and remembered no more. “Let not your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in Me…”
God bless you and make you strong as you get used to this news.
July 8th, 2005 at 11:58 pm
Your blog has been a blessing to me and I will pray for you.
July 9th, 2005 at 12:01 am
“What has my husband ever done to you, that you need to inflict this sort of wife upon him?”
That we husbands should all be so inflicted
Get well. My wife has been diagnosed with otosclerosis, and has been losing her hearing. She wears two hearing aids, and a better wife I couldn’t ask for. Here is a link for you. http://www.shhh.org/
July 9th, 2005 at 1:36 am
Blessed be the Name of the Lord, and blessed by you, Anchoress. Your shared thoughts and example are prodding me and I’m sure many others back closer to Him who is the Source and Destiny of all things. You have my prayers.
July 9th, 2005 at 2:16 am
You’ve reminded me of some wisdom I learned long ago but somehow lost track of. Thank you for that. Here’s hoping for the best outcome possible under the circumstances, whatever that outcome might be.
My husband’s MS and scoliosis has taught us much we didn’t ask to learn but that has strengthened us and deepened us in the long run, I think. (Which is not the same as saying we always learned graciously or willingly or without anger!) You never know what will happen in sorrow, I guess.
I’m techno-deficient or something, and so far haven’t figured out trackbacking. I’ve posted and linked.
July 9th, 2005 at 2:32 am
I try to pray every morning for many intentions. One day a couple of months age when you were sick, I added you name to my list. This morning I wondered why I stll had your name on my list. Now I know why.
July 9th, 2005 at 2:37 am
You are in my prayers. Buster is wise beyond his years. I’m sure you are largely the reason.
July 9th, 2005 at 4:47 am
Dear Anchoress,
Your blog is doing a lot of good to a lot of people…and it is just a part (perhaps important, but a part) of all the things you do for the Glory of God, with your family, neighbors, etc. etc. and your own life. I’ll be praying for you as many others, for our Heavenly Mother to take you close to Her and give you consolation; and also, I want you to bask in all the things you have done for the Love of the Lord; for the worker is entitled to his salary. Thanks a lot for all you do and may God always bless you, your dear ones and all of us your readers.
July 9th, 2005 at 5:50 am
Anchoress, medical science has advanced enormously when it comes to treating deafness. Cochlear implants, better hearing aids - there’s a lot than can be done. I am optomistic by nature and pray that you will be well. Or if not, that God will give you the strength to bear your cross. May He always bless you.
Ellen
July 9th, 2005 at 7:46 am
Anchoress, I wish words could tell how much you have meant to me since I began reading your posts. You have been a steadfast source of encouragement and wisdom in my search for faith. You truly have lived up to your title.
-
If there were words I could say that would ease your pain I would say them. If there were deeds I could do I would do them. If there were pain I could bear for you I would bear it.
-
Be well, my Anchoress. You are in my prayers. Peace and Grace.
________________
July 9th, 2005 at 9:00 am
A Time to Live; A Place to Die…Thats all we get..!
July 9th, 2005 at 9:30 am
i have been away from your
cathederal of the souls for
too long now — and the voices
from distant lands called me
back to look in on you. . .
and it is this post, of yours,
that i now know i was supposed to find.
so this morning — as is my usual way in
such matters — i spoke to the unseen
I n f i n i t e. . .
of you, and your latest hard news. . .
the Infinite was silent for a few
moments only, then returned to me
with this “luminous, yet clear”
reply — what will be, will be. . .
that is true, and still
i pray for thee. . .
pax tecum, anchoress. . .
– tae
[yes THAT tae. . .]
July 9th, 2005 at 9:56 am
“I Have My Mission,” by John Henry Cardinal Newman, has been a source of comfort:
“God has created me to do him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission — I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next.
“I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good. I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place while not intending it — if I do but keep His commandments.
“Therefore I will trust in Him. Whatever, wherever I am. I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me — still He knows what he is about.”
As a relatively new reader to your blog, I find your words resonate sympathetically with me. Small wonder, then, you have so many readers who are here for now in this hour of need. “Give, and it shall be given to you. Good measure pressed down, shaken together, running over, with they our into the fold of your garment. For the measure you measure with will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38)
May God continue to bless you.
July 9th, 2005 at 10:18 am
Anchoress,
One thought occured this as as I prayed for you. When St. Benedict spoke about listening he talked about listening “with the ear of the heart.” You already do that quite well but there is an “ear” you can never lose. Also it may be no comfort at this time, but people like Rush Limbaugh who have had major hearing loss have been aided by the marvelous miracles of technology lately. I think of technology (such as the Internet if used well) as a great gift of God.
July 9th, 2005 at 10:26 am
Anchoress,
The way you carry your Cross is really inspiring. Thank you.
July 9th, 2005 at 11:04 am
There is no such thing as Karma (it’s a Hindu/Buddhist/Shinto belief) There is only God’s Providence, and to uinderstand how it works for Christian one only has to read Romans 8.28. For a Christian there are no problems, only opportunities. It only looks like sour milk, until you realize it’s cheese.
Read The Rose Leaf for an illustration of the beauty of God’s Providence.
July 9th, 2005 at 1:21 pm
Strange as it may be, your vulnerability in the face of such difficulties is a blessing you have shared…and the comments of your readers add to the blessing. Many are praying for you, and at the same time thanking God for a faith that endures despite the hard things. I have never feared “crying out against God” since reading the prophet Habakkuk. I especially like the closing verses: “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.”
July 9th, 2005 at 1:35 pm
I am so sorry to hear of your news which you have received. Like you, I have dealt with many major infirmaties and I am always amazed how God uses them in the lives of others.
When I was reading of your hearing loss my heart ached for you. My dear mother (88) fought hearing aids for years but now can’t imagine life without them. My husband, too, has hearing loss. I can remember sharing with my husband many years ago that I would much rather lose my hearing than my sight! Not to be able to see my grandchildren (if I ever have any) or to see the beauty which the Lord has surrounded us, or not to be able to read, or to see my husband as we grow old together…that would be a very difficult thing to deal with, at least for me.
It’s amazing what the Lord uses to draw us ever closer to Him. One thing I have learned over the years is to hold EVERYTHING in an open hand. That way, when the Lord chooses to take whatever it is, He won’t have to pry my fingers from around it. Less painful that way, I’ve discovered.
Your son sounds like a mighty fine person. What a comfort he must be to you. Praise the Lord for his willingness to be used by God in your conversation. Aren’t kids wonderful?
I will lift up prayers before His mighty throne on behalf of you. Blessings….
July 9th, 2005 at 3:31 pm
Just to let you know I’m thinking of you today, A, with great affection. I relish reading these kind posts, these beautiful posts. With so many praying for you, something wonderful is bound to come to your spirit and your life. Oh, how I covet such prayers.
Love, Mir
July 9th, 2005 at 4:10 pm
Madame, finding your blog last fall has helped me refind and renew my Catholic faith and you are one of my first stops on the web every day now. I have found so much inspiration from you and am so sorry to hear of your health problems. You have my humble prayers and good wishes as well. We love you Madame!
July 9th, 2005 at 5:42 pm
Dearest Anchoress,
Just returned from mass and thought only of you all through today’s Gospel. How timely. I pray you find comfort.
July 9th, 2005 at 7:22 pm
A=A, even with hearing aids. I’m hoping that you’ll need even less than that. As years go by, treatments improve. Remember that, in medical decision-making.
July 9th, 2005 at 7:55 pm
Your gift to us is your honest witness which inspires your readers who are your ministry.
Prayers and blessings
July 9th, 2005 at 8:22 pm
As Pope John Paul II said to the Polish people “Be not afraid”. By saying those three words he freed the Polish from the tyranny of Communism and the Soviet Union.
I have been through some very tough times and at 63 the tough times aren’t going away. As time goes on, life ,at least for me, gets harder every day.
I take great pleasure in seeking out on the Internet and downloading Catholic hymns and Gregorian Chants that I loved when I was an altar boy in grade school.
These songs from my past, over 50 years ago, and my Catholic faith bring great comfort to me. As well as Pope John Paul II’s message to the Polish people “Be not afraid”.
I know that times are tough for you but may Saint (we pray) John Paul II’s blessing apply to you and your family: “Be not afraid”.
July 9th, 2005 at 9:07 pm
Dear Heavenly Father, we come before You today asking for healing and grace for The Anchoress. Her ailments are frightening indeed. We pray that You would touch her hearing, either through miraculous intervention or medicine, and restore what she has lost. We ask You to be her rock during this time of trouble and to tell her softly and lovingly that You are all that she really needs. You are her rock, her salvation, the food that she eats, and the air that she breathes. Please give her the joy and peace of Your salvation. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.
July 9th, 2005 at 10:29 pm
I’ve never read of anyone who listens better than you. You listen with your heart and soul; the ears are secondary.
I have also felt anger at an unfair diagnosis. After years of being caregiver to everyone else, I was diagnosed last year with multiple sclerosis. Well, isn’t that a kick in the head? There is no one to take care of ME. It’s just not fair!
I allowed myself a few days to mourn the passing of the self I thought I was, then I got on with life. Months later, I found what I believe to be the reason for my illness.
My daughter is an addict and had been AWOL for months, missing out on her grandmother’s funeral and my diagnosis. She was put in jail when she was found, and I stumbled into the visiting area to see her. In the allotted ten minutes, I told her of my mother’s death and my illness.
That was seven months ago. She is now going to school and living with me. She tells me that seeing me stumble into that cell, hearing my news, hearing me tell her in my own way that she had messed up but that I loved her anyway, all of those things combined to finally wake her up and make her realize that life is, indeed, short. As she told me, I felt a peace I hadn’t known in a long time. Ahhh, so maybe THIS is why! If I need to be ill to save my daughter’s life, so be it. This won’t kill me, and it won’t beat me.
It won’t beat you, either. You’re made of much stronger stuff than that. May God bless you and keep you.
July 9th, 2005 at 11:11 pm
Anchoress, did you have any notion how many people here love you and care about you? I am so inspired by reading all these posts.
July 10th, 2005 at 9:42 am
Dear Anchoress,
God Bless you! You are in my prayers!
I’ve been reading your posts since you were an L.dotter and have always felt a connection with you. You are a dear, dear lady!
July 10th, 2005 at 6:03 pm
Your son’s comments to you made me cry. He’s completely right. What a wonderful mom you are. Everyone should be so lucky to have you as a mother. Your contributions in this world aren’t for naught. You’ve impacted at least 72 people just on this one post!! I will be praying for you.
July 10th, 2005 at 6:56 pm
Wow, what a great post.
God bless you!
July 10th, 2005 at 8:57 pm
Dear Anchoress, Your ears are only a small part of who you are and what you can sense. You may find medical care that improves your hearing, but I pray more that you will retain the abilities to continue to minister to us through your blog. As you can see, so many of us gain something each time we read your blog. When you get to heaven, listen to the music as I hope to be in the choir, in the meantime I pray you are given the grace to accept whatever burdens befall you. As a young person, I heard that God chasteneth those He loveth and I never felt chastened. Now at 70, I have been
chastened and know God loves me as He
is loving you.
July 10th, 2005 at 9:00 pm
Anchoress, joining others in praying for you and wrote a tad over at my place as to how you’ve been helpful to us.
July 11th, 2005 at 12:34 pm
As I was reading your beautiful testament to your struggling faith in times of trouble, I was reminded of opening words of the 46th Psalm, “Be still and know I am God”. When I googled it to make sure I had it (the quote) right, the first entry noted that in the Hebrew original, the words translated as “be still” are literally “let go”. Another way to say “listen”.
As the number of comments attests, your witness to God’s power to heal your soul when your body reveals its weaknesses has touched many.
May God’s peace which passes all understanding continue to be with your heart and mind in Christ, Jesus.
July 11th, 2005 at 1:41 pm
Wow, how did you raise a son like that. We will pray for you. “Hope in God, for I will yet praise him for the help of His countenance” Ps. 42:5
July 11th, 2005 at 3:23 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It’s honest and courageous and inspiring.
July 11th, 2005 at 4:05 pm
A touching post. I join the others here in wishing you the best.
I would urge you not to judge yourself too harshly when you have difficulty resigning yourself to the trials God sends you. We are meant to struggle against our weaknesses as well, and part of that is hating them. Accept if you can, but don’t give in.
And always remember, that any failings you may make in that regard are have already been paid for by another. If there is Karma, a Christian must believe that it all flows to Christ.
July 11th, 2005 at 5:29 pm
God bless you, Anchoress, and all your wise and compassionate commenters whose messages of comfort I can only second with appreciative Amens.
July 11th, 2005 at 6:18 pm
Lady Anchoress, my friend… I cannot understand what you are going through, but I hope that you know my prayers and thoughts are with you. I pray, should God ever send such trials into my life, that I may meet them with the same faith you display.
Remember, too, that God is big enough to get mad at. He understands, and He knows your heart. Where else should you vent your pain and frustration? Who else would truly understand? Who else sings over you with joy and love eternal?
It will be hard to go through this, whatever comes your way - yes. But, Lady, you know the Lord of All, the King of Kings, the Comforter, He Who is Faithful and True - how can He not work all this together for good, as He has promised?
Your open witness reverberates thoughout the Blogosphere. Your journey and your faithful testimony will show what real Christianity is, to His glory.
And, along the way, if you need some “real” arms to hug you, I would be honored and humbled to offer my assistance in any way.
In Him,
R’cat
July 11th, 2005 at 7:16 pm
Thanks for writing this. I’ll be praying for you—largely in thanksgiving for this blessing you have brought to me and others in this post, as well as for God to bless your circumstances and you in them.
Thank you.
July 11th, 2005 at 7:35 pm
Let me join my prayers with the others (a quiet storm?). Not so much for a miracle cure, but that His Will be done. Don’t worry too much about beating the steering wheel and asking God, “Why me?” At Gesthemane, Jesus asked to be excused from what He knew was coming and asked why His Father had forsaken Him on the Cross. If Jesus had a weak moment, surely you’re allowed one or two!
Pace, Denise
July 11th, 2005 at 9:29 pm
You wrote: I also know that often our sin has a wider effect than we realize - broadening and stretching out to touch other lives, lives of which we may not even be aware - just as a pebble thrown into a pond can sometimes stir the water to its very edge. We live, none of us, to ourselves.
I read your post this morning before leaving for work. While driving I found myself thinking about your post and then praying for you. After I bit I was asking God why this? While it’s not a complete answer, God brought my mind to your pebble comment.
God tossed you into the pond and you have now strengthened my faith. God bless you and heal you!
July 12th, 2005 at 11:25 am
[...] The Anchoress tells of receiving heartbreaking news: the prospect of losing her hearing: Yesterday morning, though, came a straw I have dreaded my whole life, and I finally drew it: the “you are losing your hearing” straw… [...]
July 12th, 2005 at 11:43 am
Thank you for this window into your life–your exquisite writing is exceeded only by the power of God’s grace in your life.
I have posted some thoughts on your trial, and the dilemna of faith and loss, at my blog:
The Doctor Is In » God of Loss and Grace
Thank you again for your strength and honesty.
July 12th, 2005 at 1:21 pm
May God bless you, Anchoress. Remember that when God wishes for refined silver, He first passes it through the crucible.
Remember too that even Job complained against God. That we object to apparent injustice only shows our love of justice all the more clearly.
I have had a neurological condition all of my life. The important thing is to never, ever give up. Push yourself to your limits all the time, and you may be surprised at how far those limits can be. Take courage for the years ahead. They will be hard, but you will only be stronger for them.
July 12th, 2005 at 5:52 pm
Like Job, you voiced your frustrations at God, He answered back, and He will bless you beyond the blessings you already have.