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May 14, 2008I am a bad wife. Very bad.I am so disgusted with this idiocy (goodbye ANWR, goodbye energy independence, hello pain) that I have turned my head from the news of the day to this Wife’s Chart, which - in 1939 - was put together by some poor deluded man who believed he could get away with writing this and remain happy. Or healthy. (Via Ace) The article only presents the first portion of the wife test, but as I score a measly ten points…well…I do love and appreciate my tolerant husband. But I always did know I had a good ‘un in him.
Am I slow in coming to bed? Most nights I beat him to it, and quickly put my cold feet on his warm shins when he finally hits the sack. I am good at sewing buttons but darning socks does not happen. I wear red nail polish on my tootsies. If I ever wore stockings with seams they would always be crooked, but I rarely wear stockings at all, as I am a thick-ankled Hillarian Pantsuit sort of girl. You’ll never see me with a sweater draped over my suit jacket, though, because that’s just a damn weird thing she does. I am a backseat driver, I never flirt but I’m never suspicious or jealous. Mean, ornery and cynical, but never jealous. I am a tolerable hostess but not if you drop in unexpectedly; then I am really deplorable and I will have to answer, someday, for my lack of hospitality. I stopped making meals on time when my husband routinely showed up late for them. Now the good man feels fortunate if I’ve cooked at all. Dressing for breakfast is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard of - what a quaint notion! No, I’m not tidy; we both tend to pile up paper and books. Yes, I put the children to bed and read them stories and did Elmo impressions and sang lullabies…that will have to balance out the poor housekeeping. I am neither jolly nor gay; more of a wry chuckle’r than a laugher. I never let my husband sleep late because it’s not his way, and any merit to be found in my religiosity or example to my kids is purely thanks to his example. We try not to go to bed mad, but sometimes that happens. Gosh…I guess both of us fail. I’m not a very subservient wife and my husband is not much of a demander. We’ll have to just stick together. Part of me is tempted to write my own “Husband Chart” but we all know what the stereotypes are, so it would ultimately be a pathetic and boring endeavor that adds nothing to the conversation. So just take part I of the test, ladies, and rejoice that your red nail polish no longer makes you a damn stinking whore. http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/05/14/i-am-a-bad-wife-very-bad/trackback/ 15 Responses to “I am a bad wife. Very bad.” |
May 14th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
The putting of the polar bear on the Threatened List really should be divorced from the drilling in ANWAR situation. I suspect it will not by many groups both left and right. However The Polar Bear is already protected under an act in several oil producing places thus showing there is not contradiction. This of course will go non reported
I am not 100 percent sure but I think the region the polar bears are is some distance from the oil producung area. I think they are on the ICE pack where they den
May 14th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
[...] Lots of people are rolling their eyes over the Wife’s Chart and who can blame them? It’s ridiculous by today’s standards. But thanks to commenter INC in the post at Hot Air’s headlines, I’ve gotten the the rest of the story from a flickr user - including the husband chart! The cover describes it as the “hundred point rating scale” and a “Blueprint for Happiness.” It’s funny stuff, and it makes the Wife Chart look a lot less outrageous than when it stood alone. I particularly enjoyed these from the Husband section: [...]
May 14th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Actually, it’s not so bad. It turns out the booklet came with a Husband’s Chart of its own that nicely balances things out. I’ve just created a PDF of the whole thing and trackbacked to this post.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
There is more to the wife’s chart. There is also a husband’s chart. You can find the whole set on flickr at http://flickr.com/photos/tiabla/sets/72157605047200616/
TMR
May 14th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Actually, this is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Right now, it seems that I have # 3 & # 4 pegged in the “merits” column, as well as a partial # 10. Unfortunately, I’m a pretty big loser in the “demerits” column the way it stands, so I think I’m a BIG failure!!! LOL I’ll never forget the day my hubby told me that I needed an attitude adjustment (when you hit 50 you get a pretty good attitude, and 60 puts you over the top!)…I informed him that if he didn’t like “this one”, he surely wouldn’t like the next one. You know, I do think I have a darn good sense of humor!
May 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I don’t understand why people allow others to define them.
Particularly when the definition comes out “you are a bad ….”
May 14th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
My Aunt always got up early to fix a big breakfast for my Uncle and 2 cousins and me when I spent the Summers with her. She would not appear at the breakfast table without her hair perfectly coiffed and all her makeup in place. She did wear a robe, but it was her “breakfast” robe, sort of a cross between an evening coat and a Japanese kimono and quite elegant. When I was a teenager, she told me that a good wife always sends her husband off to work with a smile and a vision of a “put together” wife to carry him through the day. I shudder to think what she would say about the morning slob I turned out to be or the number of times I pressed a breakfast bar and a carton of juice in my kids’ hands because we overslept and there was no time for a sit down breakfast.
May 14th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
I roared with laughter by the time I read “does not wear red nail polish”. Thank you for a hearty laugh!
May 14th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Regarding that Polar Bear decision, remember that the fizz in beer is a greenhouse gas.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
A splash of cold Catholic water on the chart, A. The chart is not only an anachronism but written by an atheist. (See No. 12 in right-hand column.) God is part of a sacramental marriage. Clearly His presence is apparent in the metaphysical combination of your feet on husband’s shins.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
When we were newlyweds, I dragged myself out of bed at the crack of dawn every day and cooked my husband a full, delicious (if I do say so myself) breakfast. He ate it, smiled, thanked me and headed off to work. Finally after about three months, he said carefully, “You know, you could skip making me breakfast if you wanted. I really wouldn’t mind.” Turns out he HATES eating breakfast that early and was choking it down to avoid hurting my feelings.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Marriage = A person sleeping in a room that’s way too hot when the person next to the them is sleeping in a room that’s way too cold.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Strange checklist, given that every man has his own individual tastes and list of priorities. I would suggest focusing on bringing your man pleasure every day, however he defines that, showing him the respect he needs, and greeting him cheerfully when he (or you) come home. As much as possible, consider his pleasure and pain as your own.
Remember that trying to get back at your husband is like trying to get back at your own hand by whacking it with a hammer.
These are more “mission statements” than a checklist, though, and a checklist is ever so much more trendy.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:27 am
When guests come by unexpectedly (that is, unannounced) I serve escargot tartar. As convenient as it is elegant. Convenient because it’s OK to use canned salsa and all you have to clean is the blender. As much as I’d like to serve it with Pearl Tea straws, I usually serve with Iced Tea spoons. But they’re not a lot work to clean.
May 15th, 2008 at 7:42 am
“I don’t understand why people allow others to define them.
Particularly when the definition comes out “you are a bad ….””
I bet John Wayne Gacy used to beat himself up all the time when he got depressed over how other people regarded him. Face it, there are some people out there who are clueless and need to be defined by others. Besides its fun to sit in judgement…just ask the big guy.