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September 7, 2008The Humbling: “The One” goes to Don ClintonSo, it appears that “The One” is going begging to Don Clinton, hat in hand: The One strides in confidently and extends his hand to The Don. The Don looks up, contemplates the proffered hand, and watches The One’s smile fade as it is not shaken. The One retracts his hand, and tilts his head, comprehending, but not liking it. Still, he needs this meeting. Don Clinton nods slightly, and with a silky hand motions The One to take a seat. Don Clinton’s blue eyes are grave, but there is a noticeable twitching about his mouth, as though he is suppressing a smile, or sucking on a peeled grape. He remains silent. The One looks about the room in discomfort, waiting for an opening. Don Clinton makes a point of playing with his pinky ring, and gives him none. Finally, clearing his throat and assuming a cavalier affect, The One speaks: The One: Uh, thank you, Mr. President, for seeing me in your beautiful offices. Don Clinton nods, but says nothing. More praise is due. The One: I, um, think it’s er…a wonderful, a wonderful testament to your, eh, your um, unquestionable commitment to em, the uh, your solidarity with the black community. Don Clinton, remembering when The One played the race card on him, narrows his eyes and does not smile. He leans back in his chair and waits, squinting through the smoke, his cigar tilting upward in his mouth, ala FDR. More praise is due. The One: It - it was a masterstroke of erm, brilliant racist-baiting, erm…a stroke of masterburbating, uhhhh, stroking, ermmm…a master…stroke…of getting back at the Republican jerks who impeached you and foreplaying, I mean forestalling any future innuendo or scandals intern erm…in turn. Don Clinton’s eyes are ablaze with anger. The One, too cool to cower, crosses his legs and wishes for a teleprompter. The One: What I mean, is, uhm, when Charlie Rangel suggested you taking offices here, it just uhm, under- underscored your lifelong commitment to fairness and your emm, legacy of commitment to small community underprivileged paradigms and archetypes of social architecture of your gravity and boundless past and future greatness. Um. Mr. President. Don Clinton leans back in his chair, highly amused. He takes the cigar out of his mouth. Don Clinton: Jonah Goldberg. The One: Excuse me? Don Clinton: Jonah Goldberg told me to take my offices to Harlem, not Rangel. Rangel got me to build a house in the Dominican Republic. The One: (frowing) Isn’t Jonah Goldberg a neo-conservative Neanderthal, Mr. President? Don Clinton (puffs contentedly, then rasps): I can get along with anybody The One: Oh… Don Clinton: Everyone is my friend. Are you my friend? The One: Uhhh..yes. Yes. I am your friend. I, uhh. Am…yes. Your friend. Don Clinton: They said you were smart. I keep all my friends close. The One: (knowingly conspiratorial) “…and your enemies closer?” Don Clinton (sneers): Lao Tzu is for pseudo-intellectuals. The One: (proudly) Machiavelli! Don Clinton (unimpressed and growing bored): They say you’re having troubles. The One: It’s a lie! Whoever they are, they’re wrong! Don Clinton: (raising an eyebrow): Hillary says you are having troubles…my consigliere and I are as one. What do you ask of me?” The One: (slightly annoyed, and stubborn, but wary): I’m not having troubles; I wouldn’t say that. There is change in the air and…uh… (gives up the facade) Look, Mr. President - ” Don Clinton: “Godfather.” The One: Godfather, whatever - I know you feel that my family disrespected yours. Don Clinton: (holds up one finger) This is not a feeling. This is a knowing. The One: (slightly deflated) I’m sorry my family disrespected you. I’m sorry I disrespected you. I kiss your ring. I kiss anything you want. Help me, Don Clinton. That feeble old McCain has brought in this gun-toting Alaskan putana with the bible angle and the oil angle, and even though she has never done anything worthwhile, and she’s not even smart, and she did not go to Harvard, somehow I’m flailing. I coulda whipped him. I coulda beat him at hoops and any vice president he coulda named. But I don’t know about her…she’s scary…” I could maybe beat her at hoops but she might look better than me in the trunks…it’s a risk, it’s a risk. Don Clinton: (leering a little) She’s got nice legs, that Governor putana, eh? I wouldn’t mind me some of that. Get me an Executive Office Spanking in Anchorage, that’s what I say, Haw Haw! Get us a game of “Mayor, May I? Haw! That li’l girl’s got spunk. I love spunk. My ol’ consigliere and her oughta get together, they both know how to kill and dress all different kinds of - The One: (with dignity) I beg your pardon? Don Clinton: (remembers himself, shrugs and smokes) Women’ll stick a shiv under your ribs any chance they get; they’re full of surprises. (Leans forward and taps his desk) And you mind this, sir, that bearskin mama ain’t no chump. That there is a full-on-she-grizzly, with all the smarts she needs. She knows energy and she knows oil, and she can hand you your ass quicker than I can get into trouble with a blonde. (Sighs) I like ‘em blonde. The bottle-kind of blonde. The One: (Looking askance at Don Clinton, who has gone dreamy-eyed) Well, this one sure surprised me. Don Clinton: (laughing and smoking) Son, when you’ve lived longer, you’ll know there’s a surprise in every one of ‘em. And a shiv. And no matter what, the shiv always comes. The One: Well, she’s not going to shove one in me…I will not be bullied and mistreated like this! Don Clinton: Oh, get yourself a hankie, Candace, and stop bleedin’ all over my rug. The more you whine and cry the more that li’l Alaskan hootchi-goo is gonna laugh while she grinds the stiletto heel of those cute little size sevens straight through your pericardium and into your heart before you even know what’s happened! The One: (falls to the floor in contrite supplication) Help me, Godfather, help me! What do I do? How do I get this mean girl to stop beating me up, and reclaim my glamor, my “it” factor? My minions in the press have been going after her with everything they have, and they’re getting booed! Next “I” might get booed, oh, what do I do - Don Clinton: (leaps from his chair and smacks The One twice on the face, smack! smack!) You can be man! Be a man! The One: (pathetic) I don’t know how. I just…don’t know how. Don Clinton: (Sighing and taking pity) I know, kid. Hard to know what that is, anymore, ain’t it? Our whole sex has been cuckolded by the Official Women and their Eunuchs. But you’ve got to grow yourself a pair, and quick. The One: I’ll do anything! Anything, Godfather! It’s just that she’s coming on strong and Biden keeps making up the weirdest damn stories, and besides he scares me with that doll hair… Don Clinton: It will be a drastic remedy. The One: Anything… Don Clinton regards The One with a mixture of empathy and deep pity. He shakes his head regretfully and then resumes his place at the desk. Straightening his tie, he once more assumes a poised air of cool, collected wisdom as he picks up his phone. Don Clinton: (softly) Send the Jr. Senator… He sits back and blows a smoke ring. We hear the approaching sound of a heavy step in sensible shoes. The One, understanding, emits a gut-wrenching howl and the curtain falls. Encore: Byron York on What Obama did as a Community Organizer. Hot Air-lanch!. Thanks Ed! Please check my recent postings - it’s been wall-to-wall Palin around here for lo these 8 or 9 days! http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/09/07/the-humbling-the-one-goes-to-don-clinton/trackback/ 30 Responses to “The Humbling: “The One” goes to Don Clinton” |
September 7th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
[...] The Humbling: “The One” goes to Don Clinton [...]
September 7th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
LOLROF
Anchoress,
You are good.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
This is hysterical!! Great job.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
[...] and the media (but I repeat myself) are completely freaked … no wonder Barry’s gonna kiss the Clinton’s ring later this [...]
September 7th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
[...] The Anchoress steps into Don Clinton’s office and shares his conversation with a man who needs a favor. Don Clinton: (remembers himself, shrugs and smokes) Women’ll stick a shiv under your ribs any chance they get; they’re full of surprises. (Leans forward and taps his desk) And you mind this, sir, that bearskin mama ain’t no chump. That there is a full-on-she-grizzly, with all the smarts she needs. She knows energy and she knows oil, and she can hand you your ass quicker than I can get into trouble with a blonde. (Sighs) I like ‘em blonde. The bottle-kind of blonde. [...]
September 7th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Hilarious! And brilliant!
September 7th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
But enough social talk and kidding around. Let’s get back to some serious issues. The economy is doing really bad on President Bush’s watch. I don’t believe that Mr. McCain will be able to shake up his party to the degree that he thinks he can. After all, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have gone into conservatorship. It will be the American people who pay the tab. Did you see what happened after Bear Stearns went under? Inflation rose and commodities shot up in price. Socialized business is morally unacceptable. They keep saying that in Washington but look the other way. It will be worse this time around, believe you me.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/08/business/08fannie.html?hp
[But...the CONGRESS (both houses) belong to the Democrats. The president does not make the economy, right? That's the job of the legislative branch. I think that's what you guys kept telling me back when things were roaring, and unemployment was at 4.5% and we had ten consecutive quarters of high growth - all of which started stalling when?? Ummm...around 2006, or so.
So...we shouldn't be worried! The Democrats in the House and the Senate, since they are in charge, will take all of the right steps, and none of the wrong ones. I feel good. Don't you feel good, too? You should. You should feel good about your Dems in congress. - admin]
September 7th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
MY FIRST TIME HERE.
WONDERFUL!
September 7th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Brilliant! Two thumbs up.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Beautiful!!!
September 7th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I raise my glass to you. This is fun stuff. Where’s your glass, I’ll pour you a little Jameson’s.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
“Are you my friend?”
LOLOLOL !
Wonderfully done…
But wouldn’t “do you have any interns with you…”, be more appropriate?
September 7th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
[...] Camps For Radicals Perfunction: Elderly Senator Confuses Sunnis & Shias AGAIN The Anchoress: The Humbling: The One Goes To Don Clinton Flopping Aces: French to be Forced Out of Troopergate Legislative Investigation… Riehl World [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 2:10 am
Now, that’s my old friend the Anchoress really writing again! Good to have her back.
“After all, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have gone into conservatorship. It will be the American people who pay the tab….Socialized business is morally unacceptable.”
Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. We are bare inches away from the collapse of our entire banking system and the consequent implosion of every other equity market in this country. No investment anywhere could stand such sudden deflation–not your IRA, not my 401K, not any body’s checking account, business or personal, or any other federally insured deposit, not even precious metals in the end. Even FDIC and FSLIC could not pay the balance of all the bank deposits they are underwriting if they all fail at once.
The Federal Reserve controls our entire economy through the banking system, if there is no system, there is no control, only chaos. There might even be a rush to dump the U.S. Treasury Bills that we have used to build up insane levels of national debt in the interest of “fighting terrorists”. There would be no way we could prevent it except to repudiate the debt.
Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are holding about 1/2 of the entire mortgage debt of the United States of America. If they go we will be facing a crisis as dire as 1929. The only people with living memories of what it could might be like are in their eighties and beyond. Nobody else can conceive of what the horrors of 30% unemployment are like. And this time, unlike last time, the United States Government is not even in a position to cover its own debts, let alone function as the lender of last resort to all our banks failing at once.
Don’t even dream of the government not taking this in hand because we must sacrifice our selves on the altar of Mammon, God of the Free Market.
Don’t even dream of it.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:27 am
“Michael, this whole “Sicilian Thing” has got to stop.”
Brilliant and hilarious, Anchoress. But I wouldn’t eat that cannoli–you don’t know where it’s been.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:49 am
WE ARE DESPERATE!!!…
Desperation was the message coming from MTV Music Awards host Russell Brand and the message on every left wing hate site this weekend. They are flailing, grasping at straws, lashing……
September 8th, 2008 at 6:52 am
The Messiah visits The Don…
Anchoress…
September 8th, 2008 at 6:52 am
That was entertaining. I want chapter 2. What will “the One” do next? Cliffhanger.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:37 am
[...] The Anchoress pictures the scene in which poll-sinking prodigy comes hat-in-hand asking for the aid of the man he disrespected. By JDZ Feedbacks on this entry via RSS 2.0 Please leave a Comment or discuss via Trackback! Comments Please Leave a Comment! [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 7:40 am
[...] September 8, 2008 by Daphne The Anchoress has knocked it out of the park! Go read the whole thing. [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 8:05 am
[...] her before America met her at the convention and liked her. Jack Kelly (h/t Anchoress who is blog storming, wow) says of this phenomenon: Journalists last week cast aside the mask of objectivity to reveal [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
[...] http://theanchoressonline.com/2008/09/07/the-humbling-the-one-goes-to-don-clinton/ [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 8:31 am
[...] Don Clinton! [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Sarah Palin and The Press…
At this point no one can argue that the press and elites editorializing on major newspaper pages, lead by a coterie of elite women including Maureen Dowd, Andrea Mitchell, Sally Quinn, Gloria Steinem and even, in an unguarded moment, Peggy……
September 8th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
[...] Anchoress has already imagined the [...]
September 9th, 2008 at 8:20 am
[...] Obama And New Bill Are Going To Have A Meeting Jump to Comments And it’s likely gonna down something like this. [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
[...] The Humbling: “The One” goes to Don Clinton [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 6:23 am
[...] Anchoress speculates on just what will be said at that meeting here. Check her out — she’s one of the best bloggers out there and her take is [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
[...] The Humbling: “The One” goes to Don Clinton [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
[...] The Humbling: “The One” goes to Don Clinton [...]